it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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