Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
