Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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