So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
