So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
