I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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