I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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