I have demons in me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
