Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
