6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
