with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He called his prostate his "boner button".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize