I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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