Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
