hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
