Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
