I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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