i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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