my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
