My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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