you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
