i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You need a sexual gate keeper
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
