can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sorry my hands just texted you
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize