If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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