corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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