No awkward lesbian experiences without me
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
