I want to walk on stilts...naked
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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