P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
