Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
