That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
