my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My balls are so social today.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
