the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
