Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have post one night stand depression
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
