I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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