you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He shit in the fireplace
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
