Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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