Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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