Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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