Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
