She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
