ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
