Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
