Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize