sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
