Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
