Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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