Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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