A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
