i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
