Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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