Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
