My liver just broke up with me...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
