Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
sarcasm needs its own font
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
