He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
