Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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